Tag: moms

Ladies, Trying to Control Everything Might Actually be Hurting You

Trying to Control Everything May Actually be Hurting You

Calling all busy moms and wives trying to do it all. Do you find yourself exhausted? Worn out? If your answer is yes, let me say. Stop, sit down, take a deep long slow breath in, hold it, then let it out. Take a few minutes to just be fully present in this moment. I have been where you are and I am hoping to bring you good news!! Get comfortable and take five minutes to yourself, to keep reading.

Back to how tired you are. I have a few more questions. Is your fatigue because of all you have to do OR is it because of a very busy mind. Caring for others comes with worry. Worry leads to control because if we are in control then we don’t have to worry. This brings chaos.

What? That makes no sense. Control keeps things in order, in place and helps me protect my family.

Yes, it appears to be a good thing that seems protective. I know you’re thinking if I’m in charge of what goes on in my life, then I can rest. That’s true if you actually have power over something. But worrying and the mental exhaustion that comes from predicting every possible outcome so you can be prepared, actually creates inner chaos. This is anything but rest.

You see there are certain things in life that you have no power over. I think they fall in 3 broad categories.

Forces of Nature: We have no power over the weather, natural disasters, or laws of the universe.

Emotions: Emotions happen and bypass our prefrontal cortex. They are a felt experience that gives us information like our senses. (For more on emotions, click here).

Other People: This encompasses the largest part of life that is really outside of our control. We have no power to actually change another person or chose what they do (or don’t do). Yes, that even includes your kids and your husbands. You can make requests, have influence, and even rules with consequences…but another person’s actions and choices belong only to them.

Controllers (and we all wear this label at times if we are honest) actually create for themselves inner chaos. Why? Because controllers are focused on where they are powerless. To do this they travel many exhausting mental loops trying to figure out a problem that has no solution that is actually within their power. Chaos results.

The answer? Accept what you can’t control and embrace what you can. You see focusing too much on the things we can’t control drains us of our personal power to act. When we focus on we have power we can harness that power into action. So what can you control? Oh, so much.

Your response, actions, reactions, choices, decisions, thoughts, beliefs, values, boundaries, who you chose to be in relationship with, and so much more. Shifting our focus is empowering and freeing.

Focusing too much on the things we can't control drains us of our power to act. Click To Tweet When we focus on what we can control then we harness that power into action. Click To Tweet

If you are a Christian, accepting what you can control allows you to surrender to the sovereignty of God….the one who really does have power over all. The one who loves your kids and husband more than you do. When we as believers try to control everything, we are stepping into God’s domain, violating God’s boundary. There are certain areas that are only His to control, this is what can truly bring rest.So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs.  Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need. “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.”  Matthew 6:31-34

So beloved, rest in what you can control and let go of what you can’t. Only then will you find true peace. It’s not a perfect process, we all will over-control things at times. Recognizing it, giving ourselves grace, and shifting our focus again; we move on. If this is a huge struggle for you? Consider working with a counselor who can help you make this shift.

“We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails.” Dolly Parton

We cannot direct the wind, but we can adjust the sails. Dolly Parton Click To Tweet

Permanent link to this article: https://counseling4hope.com/control/


 mom juggle

Parenting, The Great Surprise!

Well, I became a mom almost 14 years ago (wow, when did I become so old?).  Although I love my kids and I love being mom, nothing, I repeat, NOTHING, prepares you for this!

I mean how did I become the finder of all lost things, the fixer of all broken things, the chef, the maid, the clothes washer/dryer/folder, the chauffeur, the teacher, planner, organizer, hostess of many friends, etc., etc., etc.!  My favorite moment this month is when my kid wakes me up to tell me that he is awake!  Really, he couldn’t be awake by himself…I had to lose out on the bliss of sleep as well?

Thankfully, God gives us incredible love for our children and grace to cover each and every mistake.  Watching my boys transition from kids to teens is pretty cool!  I mean they can do stuff for themselves (hang in there moms of littles…it does come) and they are pretty cool to be around!

Parenting is hard and definitely not for perfectionists, pleasers, or wimps (yikes, I have a little of all of that in me)!  Nothing has grown me up more than growing as a mom with my kids!  As I reflect on years past, here is what I would tell my young mom-self (if I could):

  • Building the relationship with my kid is way more important than the condition of my house!
  • Frequently what frustrates & angers me is simply childish curiosity or accidents, so relax!
  • Read Dr. Kevin Leman, he ROCKS!
  • There is grace for me when I mess up &  grace for my kids too!
  • Children learn just as much about life when I mess up and apologize, as they do when I do it all right!
  • Rigid expectations for myself and my kids could lay a heavy burden on me than is reasonable.
  • Have fun!
  • Get sleep!
  • Learn to say no!
  • Take care of myself so I can care for others, no guilt!
  • Have friends & be the village for each other!
  • Don’t neglect my relationship with God!  He is # 1!
  • Don’t neglect my marriage, husband comes before kids!
  • Laugh often!

Moms, you’re not alone!  We got this!  There is always hope!

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Permanent link to this article: https://counseling4hope.com/parenting/

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