Category: Christmas

How to Deal with Difficult Family During the Holidays

Trees with orange leaves surround a walking path.

10 Tips for Navigating Family Conflict

Often the holidays are depicted as a time of joy, togetherness, and peace.  Insert smiling faces, delicious food, and endless social media photos.  However, for many, it can also bring family conflict to the forefront.  Old conflicts, differing opinions, and high expectations can create stress during what should be a season of celebration.  The good news? With these tips for navigating family conflict, you preserve the joy of the holidays. 

Here are practical tips to help manage family tensions:

1. Set Boundaries Ahead of Time

One of the best ways to minimize conflict is to establish clear boundaries before gatherings. If certain behaviors or topics trigger tension, communicate your limits respectfully but firmly. This might feel uncomfortable but with a kind tone, and clear and direct communication it doesn’t have to be a big deal. Someone else’s resistance is a reflection of them, not you. 

For example:

  • Limit how long you stay at a gathering if extended time leads to frustration.
  • Politely ask family members to avoid sensitive topics, like politics or personal choices. 

Setting boundaries isn’t selfish-it’s an act of self-care and respect for yourself and others. 

2. Manage Your Expectations

Marketing portrays the idealized “perfect holiday” that doesn’t align with reality.  It is important to understand no family is perfect, and conflict may arise.  Adjust your expectations to focus on enjoying the moments of connection, even if everything doesn’t go as planned. 

Tip: Focus on the positive aspects of your family rather than dwelling on imperfections.  What is in the forefront of your mind will take up the most space in your mind.

3. Practice Active Listening

Active listening can transform tense conversations into opportunities for connection.   When disagreements arise, pause and truly listen to the other person’s perspective without interrupting.  This means we have to entertain the idea that our opinion isn’t the only valid opinion in the room. Respond with empathy and seek common ground. A couple of ways to practice active listening are:

  • Maintain eye contact and avoid distractions – be present!
  • Repeat back what the other person has said to show understanding

4. Take Breaks to Recharge

Family gatherings can be overwhelming, especially when emotions run high.  Permit yourself to step away when you need a moment to collect your thoughts.  For example:

  • Take a walk outside
  • Find a quiet room to practice deep breathing or mindfulness

A small pause can prevent heated moments from worsening.

5. Focus on Gratitude

Gratitude shifts the focus from what’s wrong to what’s right.  By appreciating the good in your family, you can foster a more positive environment and reduce tension. Some tips for gratitude practice:

  • Start your gathering with each person sharing one thing they’re thankful for.
  • Write a gratitude list before the event to enter the day with a positive mindset.
  • Read Psalms 100:1-5 together as a family.

6. Avoid Sensitive Topics

Certain topics, like politics, finances, or past grievances, can quickly derail holiday peace. Be proactive in steering conversations toward neutral or uplifting subjects.

Tip: Keep conversations lighthearted, curious, and fun, like “If you could add any holiday tradition, what would it be?”

7. Be Mindful of Alcohol Consumption

Alcohol can lower inhibitions and intensify emotions, sometimes escalating conflict. If alcohol is part of your holiday gatherings, consider limiting your intake or substituting it with festive non-alcoholic drinks.

Tip: Set a tone of moderation to keep the atmosphere calm and enjoyable.

8.  Lead with Empathy and Kindness

Family members may carry their stresses and struggles into the holiday season. Extend grace by approaching them with empathy, even if their behavior is challenging. Practice empathy by asking yourself, “What might they be going through?”  Choosing a calm, kind response overreacting defensively. 

9. Create New Traditions

If old traditions create stress or conflict, consider introducing new ones that prioritize joy and connection.  Collaborative activities like baking, playing games, or volunteering together can shift focus away from tension.

10. Prioritize Forgiveness and Grace

The holidays are an opportunity to practice forgiveness, letting go of past grievances to focus on the present. Forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning harmful behavior, it means releasing resentment for your peace.

“Bear with each other and forgive one another…Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” – Colossians 3:13 (NIV)

Approach the holiday season with an open heart.

Family conflict during the holidays is common, but it doesn’t have to define your experience.  By using these tips for navigating family conflict, you can foster an atmosphere of peace and joy.  Family systems are complicated and none of these tips can fix conflict overnight. However, empowering agency over your behaviors, attitude, and thinking can be a great start. Remember, you have the power to influence the tone of your gatherings and focus on what truly matters: love, connection, and celebrating the season.

Ruby Pappachen, MA, LPC

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Permanent link to this article: https://counseling4hope.com/tips-for-navigating-family-conflict/

A Mindfulness Approach to Christmas

How to Find Peace Amidst the Chaos of the Season using Mindfulness

When I was younger, I remember the child-like awe I experienced when playing with a snow globe. It was exciting to shake it up and watch the snow settle. 

The Christmas season, while joyous and exciting, comes with its own set of challenges and chaos. Between the hustle and bustle of holiday preparations and the pressure to create perfect memories, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed.  

Alongside these merry events, life’s struggles do not go on Christmas break.  We are left to navigate the balance of holiday cheer and major disappointments. Amid the chaos, practicing mindfulness becomes a valuable tool for maintaining inner peace and releasing stress. 

Mindfulness offers a way to ground ourselves, bringing our attention back to the present moment.  During these moments we can create a sense of gratitude and calm. 

The Snow Globe Technique:

One mindfulness technique that can be helpful during the Christmas rush is the Snow Globe Technique.  It sounds fitting, don’t you think? Just as a snow globe settles when you place it down, this technique encourages you to find calm amid the flurry of holiday commotion. This can be used with or without Christian principles.  Practice what suits you best.

1. Prepare:     

  • Find a quiet space away from the chaos. If you desire, begin with a prayer, seeking Christ’s presence in your quiet space. Invite the Holy Spirit to guide your mindfulness practice.
  • Sit comfortably and take a few deep breaths to center yourself.

2. Visualize:

  • Close your eyes and imagine yourself inside a snow globe. Give your head a little “shake” and imagine gentle snowflakes falling around you, creating a serene atmosphere.
  • Envision the snowflakes to be promises of peace from God. Embrace the imagery of His peace settling in your heart.

3. Breathe and Relax:

  • Focus on your breath, inhaling slowly through your nose.
  • Picture the snowflakes settling as you exhale, releasing tension and stress.
  • You can also focus on your breath as a reminder of God’s sustaining grace. Inhale the assurance of His love, and exhale any stress or worries.

4. Stay Present:

  • Keep your attention on your breath and the calming snow globe visualization. Allow yourself to stay in this moment for as long as you need.
  • Draw closer to Christ. Reflect on the profound peace that Jesus brings, surpassing all understanding.

5. Appreciate:

  • When you’re ready, slowly open your eyes and take a moment to appreciate the sense of calm and peace you’ve created.
  • Thank God for the gift of His Son and the peace found in Him in a world full of chaos.

Mindfulness is not one technique done randomly.  It involves being present in each activity: watching a Christmas play, drinking hot cocoa, laughing with others or remembering a loved one, being generous to those in need, and managing disappointments. 

Mindfulness helps us connect with the true meaning of Christmas, appreciate the joy in simple moments, and being compassionate to others.

Some additional tips for mindful living during Christmas are:

1. Set realistic expectations: Embrace the imperfections and focus on the joy of the season

2. Cherish Moments: Slow down to enjoy the little moments, from baking Christmas cookies to decorating the tree

3. Digital Detox: Take breaks from screens to be fully present with those around you.

4. Express Gratitude: Reflect on the blessings of the season and express gratitude.

5. Prioritize Self-Care: Ensure you’re taking time for self-care amidst the busyness of life.

In the Christmas chaos, mindfulness becomes a guiding light, helping us navigate the season with grace and gratitude. The Snow Globe Technique is a simple yet powerful example of how a few moments of mindfulness can bring peace and calm into the busiest of days. 

This Christmas, let’s prioritize the present moment, finding joy in the simple and experiencing the true reason for the season.

Interested in working with me? Contact me to set up a phone consultation.

Ruby Pappachen, MA, LPC

Permanent link to this article: https://counseling4hope.com/finding-peace-amidst-christmas-chaos-snow-globe-mindfulness-approach/

Peace, Rest, and Joy are the Gifts You Really Want

rest peace and joyI’ve written several Christmas blog posts over the last few years. All have been geared to help us (women in particular) eliminate stress this time of year by letting go of the idea of a perfect Christmas. To read them click here (The Not Perfect Christmas and  Hope for the Holidays)

This year, I’ve been thinking more about what I really want for Christmas:

Peace.

Rest.

Joy.

These words jump off the page and fill us with longing. No matter how life is going for you right now, whether mostly good or horribly difficult….my guess is you still long for peace, rest, and joy. You get glimpses of each throughout each day yet we all go to bed weary longing for more. 

Our experience of peace is directly connected to our ability to surrender and abide in the true vine, Jesus. John 14-17 is full of a mixture of Jesus talking to his disciples about peace but also worldly sorrow and struggle. Its interesting because struggle and peace don’t coexist in our minds very well. I wonder if we believe on some level that peace means the absence of trouble? Yet scripture doesn’t teach that at all. Here Jesus tells his disciples that they will definitely have trouble in the world. He had trouble and his biggest trouble was about to happen when he is arrested in John 18. To expect a trouble free life when our Savior’s life was full of trouble doesn’t make a lot of sense. Yet we do….deep down we long for things to go well. Maybe that’s the part of us that knows the world is broken and longs for real peace. Our mistake is seeking it apart from Jesus or seeing the pain in this world as something God has inflicted upon us..

Our experience of peace is directly connected to our ability to really surrender. Share on X

True rest, peace, and joy only come from Jesus. Share on X

True rest, peace, and joy only come from Jesus.

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” John 14:27

Every other place and thing we expect to bring us true rest, peace, and joy doesn’t last. They are only a taste of what’s available when we abide in Jesus and a taste of what is to come when all things are made new.

To experience true rest, peace, and joy we must abide, remain, or dwell with Jesus. Share on X

To experience true rest, peace, and joy we must abide, remain, or dwell with Jesus.

“Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. ” John 15:4-5

This idea is a continual connectedness. Clearly Jesus is talking to believers in this passage because he says they “are already clean” (John 15:3). So it seems that we can be saved and chose not to abide in Christ. I think stress, busyness, pain, difficulty, struggle, and selfishness are all things that distract us and contribute to a lack of abiding. Abiding is a moment by moment choice to surrender to God and not a one time thing. Salvation (justification) is a one time thing.

Abiding is a moment by moment choice to surrender to God. Share on X

To experience true rest, peace, and joy we must let God's love flow in and out of us. Share on X

To experience true rest, peace, and joy we must let God’s love flow in and out of us.

“As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. 16 You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. This is my command: Love each other. John 15:9-17

There are two parts to this: accepting how much God loves you and loving others. For many, accepting how much God loves you is really hard. We all know how broken we are and how much we’ve done that we know violates God’s law. It’s the story written throughout scripture, starting in Genesis. God loving a people that can’t obey his law. There was no one that earned God’s love. In fact, God loved us all so much that he sent Jesus to fulfill the law on our behalf. It’s a pure, sacrificial love of a unlovable, unfaithful people. That’s the love God has for you, not based on what you’ve done or not done or what’s been done to you…but a love based on the gracious, mercy of the Giver. As I reflect on how amazing God’s love is, I’m in awe. It’s this love that we pour out to others…not because they’ve earned it but because we’ve been on the receiving end of undeserved love….now we get to give it…not in our own strength but through the power of the Holy Spirit.

God loves you, not based on what you've done or not done or what's been done to you. Share on X

To experience real rest, peace, and joy we must expect hard times and find our anchor in Jesus. Share on X

To experience real rest, peace, and joy we must expect hard times and find our anchor in Jesus.

“If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first.”  John 15:18

I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

I’m not sure why we are always so surprised by stress and struggle but we are. Somewhere we have an expectation that life should be easier than it is. Jesus never promised an easy life…but he did promise to provide us with peace in our difficult life (Romans 8) and hope for the future (Revelation 21). As we walk into a very busy, stressful season of the year, one that is meant to point us to the amazing time where God gave us the gracious gift of Jesus, let us remember rest, peace, joy, and hope. Rest that you don’t have to do anything to earn your salvation…Jesus did it all for you. Celebrate the peace you have with God because of Jesus and pursue the internal peace that comes from abiding in Jesus. Allow joy to overflow because of the love God pours into you. And, claim hope because one day all things will be made new and we won’t have to any longer choose to abide with God because he will physically be with us.

“Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,” for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” He said to me: “It is done. I am the Alpha and the Omega, the Beginning and the End. To the thirsty I will give water without cost from the spring of the water of life. Those who are victorious will inherit all this, and I will be their God and they will be my children.” Revelation 21:1-7

This Christmas, I want to give the greatest Giver of all my moment by moment surrender. Let’s not just give lip service to the idea of surrender but think about what it means to really lay down all to Jesus. The amazing thing is that as I give this gift to Jesus, he gives me what I really need….peace, rest, joy, and hope. Is it easy? No. Will I fail? Yes. Beloved, God knows our weaknesses. He doesn’t expect perfection. He is our perfection. He just wants a surrendered relationship with his beloved.

This Christmas, I want to give the greatest Giver of all my moment by moment surrender. Share on X

Permanent link to this article: https://counseling4hope.com/peace-rest-joy/

Hope for the Holidays

Hope for the Holidays Not Christmas Stress

Let’s all be super honest! The holidays bring stress. Lots of STRESS!! Even good things create stress and just the sheer volume of extra work brings with it a level of stress. Most of us have schedules that have no extra room to accomplish these extra tasks.

* Gift buying  *Decorating *Parties *Wrapping *Travel *Finances

Not to mention, the list of things that surface during the holidays.

*Expectations *Loss *Loneliness *Grief *Depression *Anxiety *Family

Now I love Christmas but what I really love is family time, relaxing, good food, games and peace. I love celebrating the amazing thing God did by sending Jesus. Accomplishing for us, what we could never do on our own. The last thing I want is to get lost in the chaotic must be perfect American Christmas…but we do…it’s easy.

We like pretty things and giving gifts and parties and on and on it goes. If we aren’t careful, we walk through the season and we miss it…or we dread it.

If we aren’t careful, we walk through the season and we miss it…or we dread it. Share on X

Maybe there is hope for the holidays, hope for the stress we are all under. Maybe the solution is to shift our expectations. To expect things to be busy, to expect things to be not perfect, to expect people to be crazy, to expect stores to be busy, to expect kids to argue during advent, and to expect those who’ve experienced grief to be sad.

Preparing for stressful times is a mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual process:

Mentally:

Look at the situation with realistic expectations.

Remember what you really value and want out of this time.

Physically:

Take care of yourself: eat well, exercise, and get enough sleep

Take time to sit and take slow deep breathes.

Observe the world around you. What do you see? What do you hear? What do you smell? Take time to live in the moment.

This time of year can be difficult for those who have experienced loss Share on X

Emotional:

Know when you need extra support. This time of year can be difficult for those who have experienced loss or already struggle with anxiety and depression. Have safe people on call for you, join a support group, or just be real with your family and friends. They love you. You don’t have to pretend. If you need professional help, call a good counselor.

Spiritually:

The season is about GRACE! Grace God extends to us through the incredible gift of Jesus.

The season is about GRACE! Grace God extends to us through the incredible gift of Jesus. Share on X

Grace wins. Grace doesn’t expect anything but us to be real and messy. Grace gives. Grace forgives. Grace is undeserved. Christmas is Grace.

 

Hope for the Holidays

Permanent link to this article: https://counseling4hope.com/hope-for-the-holidays/

The Not Perfect Christmas

notperfect3

 

I love Christmas.  I love the cooler weather, the warm clothes, warm coffee, and snuggling under blankets with family.  I love buying gifts, wrapping gifts, giving gifts, attending Christmas Eve service, being with family, and watching Christmas movies.  Yet, let’s be honest ladies…Christmas for moms (or women in general) can be STRESSFUL.  As if we don’t already have enough to do, let’s pile on a whole bunch of shopping, baking, cooking, decorating, dinner parties, and traveling.   Ummmm…. if I added any of that to a regular week then I am overwhelmed but add it all in one month??  Come on now…where did my sanity go?

Now, I looove LOOKING at beautiful decorations but honestly, I don’t want to spend that much on decor.  I am not even quite sure what to buy when I do have decorating money.  So, we continue to use the same decorations year after year.  My boys don’t seem to mind and I think it looks decent when I am done.  But,  I always feel that my decorations are a little, let’s say, less than magazine perfect.  I never quite feel like my house has “grown up” decorations (and I’m almost 40).  It used to be (back before Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, etc.) that I would only feel bad when I went to someone else’s home that was beautifully decorated.  Now, however, I can feel inadequate just by checking my social media feed.  Not only that, there is so much more to feel bad about…my deficient baking skills, I’m not done with my shopping yet, I didn’t get the best deals during Black Friday, my presents won’t have ribbons or bows, my Christmas cards aren’t done, I have no regular daily Christmas activity planned for the kids, and no elf comes to visit in cleverly cute ways.

It is honestly comical how we put so much pressure on ourselves during this time of year.  I mean what is the point?  Who are we pleasing?  What are we celebrating???  Comparison is evil!  Perfection is unrealistic and unattainable.  Life happens in the mess.  Mistakes forge memories that bond us together in our humanity.  When we share only our achievements and not our mistakes, we don’t connect.  We miss each other.  We feel alone.  

Not only that, if we were perfect…we wouldn’t need Jesus.  Isn’t that the whole point of this time of year anyway?  Because of our imperfection and brokenness, Jesus was born to be the perfection we constantly strive for.  In Jesus, I am completely perfect!  So I am free to embrace my human imperfections (of which there are so many…ask my kids and husband).  So this Christmas, I am going to enjoy each moment, the great ones and the bad ones.  The great ones are a glimpse of eternity when all is made new and the bad ones are a reminder of my need for Jesus!

So celebrate the season and do what you want to do.  No comparing!  Your version of Christmas for your family is just right!

Let’s share our imperfections together this Christmas and have a Not Perfect Christmas.  Let’s really connect and be real on social media.  Let’s proclaim our imperfections loud so Jesus’ perfection is magnified!

Find me @counseling4hope #notperfect!

Here’s my first imperfect social media post:

We made an awesome Christmas budget spreadsheet that we password protected because my kids use this computer.  Ummm…yep, we forgot the password.  #notperfect #Christmas

 If you like what you read, please comment below or share on social media. ❤️

Permanent link to this article: https://counseling4hope.com/not-perfect-christmas/

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