Christian Counseling Archives : Page 3 of 3 : Counseling for Hope

The Benefits of Looking Back

By counseling4hope

Looking back into our past hurts. It’s messy and vulnerable. As much as we probably don’t want to admit it, we are fundamentally shaped by our childhood experiences. We learn lessons that impact us at a core, relational level, like:

How to view the world (safe or unsafe)
How to think about ourselves (capable or incapable; worthy of love and comfort or not)
How to relate with others (trustworthy or not trustworthy)

How our parents interact with each other and with us directly influences our identity and our ability to connect with others. I could go into the psychological and sociological research (because it’s extensive) but you probably don’t want to hear all that. In our independent, move out and move on culture, we have two problems with this reality.

We want to believe we can move out and move on
We want to believe we don’t need other people

Yet, we ARE relational and do NEED genuine connection. The first connections we have in life (with mom and dad) influence all our other connections. Denying this reality causes relational conflict and internal discontent. If we just focus on our current problems, as individuals or couples, and don’t look back to see if the past is influencing us, then we are denying our relational existence AND limiting our opportunity for growth and healing.

Now, none of us has perfect parents and none of us will be perfect parents. We all come out of our families with some sort of dysfunction. Unfortunately, some of us have more dysfunctional families than others. That’s just the reality of life in a broken world.

The good news is that these imprints can be understood AND changed (redeemed)! Wounds created in relationship can be healed in relationship. Spouses, good safe friends, or a relationship with Jesus can provide the secure, safe space needed for us to heal and grow. For more information check out one of my favorite resources: www.howwelove.com.

Some of us will need more help, so find a counselor, knowledgeable in attachment theory who can help you take that look back, not to stay stuck or judge the past but to understand, to heal, and to grow!

If you like what you read, please comment below or share on social media. ❤️

Permanent link to this article: https://counseling4hope.com/the-benefits-of-looking-back/

We Dig: The Daily Struggle with Addictions and Idolatry

By counseling4hope

“For my people have committed two evils: they have forsaken me, the fountain of living waters, and hewed out cisterns for themselves, broken cisterns that can hold no water.” Jeremiah 2:13

We all do this…in a million different ways throughout our lifetimes.

Sometimes it’s pursuing good things like a job, career, or relationships with people.

Sometimes it’s pursuing destructive things like drugs, alcohol, pornography, eating disorders, cutting, or other addictions and idolatry.

Yet we dig. We dig to find water in that, which has no water. We dig with hopes that we will not remain thirsty. We dig fast, we dig hard, we are desperate!

We sweat and we strive. Our muscles ache from the digging. We stand in the midst of the dirt-covered hole that we dug for ourselves and we are mad!!

We are mad at God: mad that He hasn’t quenched our thirst, mad that our arms ache from digging, mad at the pain, mad that we are alone in this pit, mad that we are tired…

Our belief is “only I can meet my need for thirst, I must keep digging, can’t God help me find the water I need”. We feel abandoned, alone, afraid, tired, dirty, hopeless…

We stop for a minute, weary from the digging; sweat and tears fall down our face.

“Be still, and know that I am God” Psalm 46:10

In the stillness, we feel a subtle breeze, and hear the sound of water…. it’s not coming from below where we were digging but from above. We pause and listen.

“Jesus stood up and cried out, “If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink. Whoever, believes in me, as the Scripture has said, ‘Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.” John 7:37-38

“Let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.” Hebrews 12:1-2

We set down our shovel and take His beautiful nail scarred hand. He draws us up and out of our pit and guides us to the water we have been so desperately searching for. Here we find grace, restoration, redemption, and peace. Here we experience contentment, despite our circumstances. Here we are fully known in our dirt-covered filth and loved. For redeemed sinners, this is a daily, moment-by-moment reality. For some of us, we are deeper in our holes, we’ve decorated our holes, they are known areas that we think are havens of safety, but we are deceived. In reality, they are dirty and dry. O Lord….

We “believe; help (our) unbelief!” Mark 9:24

The coolest thing about Jesus is that he loves us, even when we take our eyes off him and crawl back down in our holes. He doesn’t judge us or shame us….He took all our sin, shame, and judgement on the cross. He has compassion for us. He extends grace to us! He draws us back, each time…reminding us that what we really thirst for is more of Him. The more we experience His living water, the more we want….

‘Come, everyone who thirsts, come to the waters; and he who has no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without price. Why do you spend your money for that which is not bread, and your labor for that which does not satisfy? Listen diligently to me, and eat what is good, and delight yourselves in rich food. Incline your ear, and come to me; hear, that your soul may live;” Isaiah 55:1-3

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Permanent link to this article: https://counseling4hope.com/we-dig-the-daily-struggle-with-addictions-and-idolatry/

The Comparison Identity Trap

By counseling4hope

So what is up with girls? Deep down inside, we each long desperately to be known, understood, and loved for who we are (warts and all). We love finding girlfriends who just “get us”, who find us silly and fun. We are drawn to those friends that we have things in common with. As young girls, we delight in our friendships.

Then something happens…..I am not sure when it does but at some point we start comparing ourselves to other girls. In the process we begin to judge ourselves as less than in some area: beauty, fitness, style, intellect, heart, personality, talent, etc. We create an “ideal” self-image that, let’s be honest, is probably super unrealistic. Yet, we judge our self against it day after day. And day after day, we feel less than, unimportant, unworthy (especially when we are super active on social media)!

So what do we do?? We try to be the best at something: the most popular, prettiest, most fashionable, most athletic, most intelligent, most fun, most rebellious, most artistic, etc., etc.

In the process of trying to create for ourselves this awesome “ideal” self-identity, we stomp on friends along the way. We may drop friends because they don’t fit our ideal or we may be so caught up in our goal that we don’t realize we hurt them.

WHAT KIND OF MADNESS IS THIS????

Making yourself better (at anything) does not bring you what your heart deeply longs for! What you really want, more than anything is to be truly known and loved for who you ARE. In your effort to create this ideal self, you are no longer “who you are”. Whoever loves this “ideal” version of you doesn’t really know the real you! And, deep down you know it! That’s why chasing these things feels empty. Not only that, you often hurt the real friends you had all along.

Where you look for your identity is important. For Christians, our identity is IN CHRIST! We are completely, fully, and finally loved. All the belonging and acceptance that you long for is already yours IN CHRIST. You have it, now, just as you are!

So, pursue the things that God uniquely created you to do (sports, school, arts, beauty, etc) but do it as a reflection of God’s glory through you. Love others with the love that God has poured into you. Forgive other ladies when they fall victim to this comparison/identity trap and hurt you. You understand it’s power and you’ve fallen victim to it yourself.

Seek safe friends that can be REAL (warts and all). Friends who embrace you for your uniqueness and celebrate their own. Friends who are aware that they mess up and can own it. Friends that push you to Jesus. Remember we live in a broken world and people are going to hurt us (because we all sin). We can’t change what happens to us but we can decide how we let it impact us and what we do about it. And remember, when you are hurt by another person this does not change your worth or value!!! Run to Jesus when you are hurt and hear Him say “Don’t be afraid. Don’t give up. The Lord your God is with you. He is mighty enough to save you. He will take great delight in you. The quietness of his love will calm you down. He will sing with joy because of you.” Zephaniah 3:16-17 . He loves you completely as you are (the current, messed up, non-perfect version of you).

This is an imperfect process since we still live in a broken world. We will continue to struggle with comparison, identity, and looking to things other than Jesus for our identity. Sometimes we do great for a while and then catch ourselves looking to something else for meaning. THERE IS AMAZING GRACE FOR THAT!! It Is FINISHED! You are forgiven, move on, fix your eyes anew on Jesus.

Sharing your real struggle with safe people is a great way to start finding real connection. How have you struggled with this? What are your fears? Where do you tend to place your identity? What is your deep longing?

If you like what you read, please comment below or share on social media. ❤️