Tag: relationship

Top 5 Things that Hurt a Marriage and the Top 7 Things that Help

Marriage are like plants

We all want a better, closer marriage. Learn what you are doing that is damaging your relationship and how to make it better. Want to change your interaction patterns? Want to do something different? Take a minute to consider these things that that hurt and wound the marriage relationship. Then take a look at the things that specifically help marriages grow and thrive. A relationship is like a plant. It needs to be both nurtured and weeded

A relationship is like a plant. It needs to be nurtured, watered, and weeded. Click To Tweet

5 Things that Hurt Marriages 

  1. Assumptions. Yep, you heard me right. The number one thing that hurts relationships are assumptions. We assume our spouse’s motives. We assume they intend to hurt us or personally wound us by their behavior. We assume they aren’t interested in something without asking. It is my experience that our assumptions are frequently wrong. In fact, they are often based on our wounds, fears, or insecurities. Our assumptions are frequently wrong. They are often based on our wounds and fears. Click To Tweet
  2. Attacking the person during a conflict. We are going to disagree with our spouse. It is inevitable. Yet how you approach conflict matters. Is it you and your spouse against the problem? Or is it you against your spouse. If it is you against your spouse, then this is a dangerous place to be. Nothing tears away at connection like attacks.
  3. Busyness. We are crazy busy in our culture. With cell phones, we are always available for work. When we aren’t busy with work, sports, school, kids, volunteering etc…we have unending options for distractions available. It is easy to let life just blow by and relationships take a back seat to the busy.  It is easy to let life just blow by and relationships take a back seat to the busy. Click To Tweet
  4. Focusing too much on the kids. This is so easy to do. Let’s face it…every stage of parenting is demanding. We love our kids and there are things that have to be done. Yet, neglecting the marriage relationship actually is harmful to your kids.
  5. Not taking time for each other. This is similar to busyness but it is worth noting separately. Not taking time to connect emotionally, mentally, relationally, and sexually on a regular basis will damage the core relationship. How can you have a thriving relationship where there is no connection?

7 Things that Help Marriages Thrive

  1. Assume your spouse is a person of good will. I know…I used the word assume. THIS IS THE ONLY ASSUMPTION THAT IS OKAY! You married this person and they may be different than you but ultimately they love you so give them the benefit of the doubt. Assume they are for you. The only exception to this would be if they are abusive. Please reach out and get help if you are being abused. Click here for resources.
  2. Bring everything into the relationship. If you feel slighted or hurt. Talk about it. Share your fears and concerns. Let your partner tell you what they are thinking and feeling so you don’t have to guess or assume. Let them comfort you and be your safe place. When your partner brings something to you that you’ve done to hurt them, own it…even if it was unintentional.
  3. Use I statements. When sharing with your partner only start you sentences with I. I feel…….I think…..When that happened, I……. Please don’t start sentences with you. That assumes motives, puts others on the defensive, and is an attacking stance.
  4. Listen. I know what you’re thinking. You know how to listen. Do you really? Most of us spend the time we should be listening thinking of what we are going to say next. Listen. Summarize what they’ve said and ask if you heard it right. Listen for the emotions they are feeling and share that with them.
  5. Deal with your own stuff. We all have stuff. We have strengths and weaknesses. Know your weaknesses and work on them. Actively work to grow as a person. Some of us have more woundedness from childhood than others. I promise…your woundedness from childhood will impact your marriage relationship. But, there is so much hope here because this can be healed, you need a good therapist but it can be healed!  Your woundedness from childhood will impact your marriage relationship. But there is hope. Click To Tweet
  6. Study your partner. What do they like to do? What is their personality type and how is it different from yours? How do they experience love? What energizes them and what drains them? What are their hopes and dreams? What are their fears? How are they different because they are a male and you’re a female (or vice versa)? Make it your goal to know them well and appreciate the uniqueness that is your spouse.
  7. Spend time together. Relationships only grow in closeness when you are together. Do you talk each day about life? Do you have regular date nights? Do you put the kids to bed early so you can spend one on one time with each other?

Now it would be great if both partners read this and applied these principles. I hope you’re married to someone open to that. You may not be. There is great power in one person changing. It really can change the whole relationship. If you struggle with any of these things, I would recommend seeing a counselor who works with couples. Most people wait too long before they see a counselor. There is so much hope.

There is great power in one person changing. It really can change the whole relationship. Click To Tweet

Permanent link to this article: https://counseling4hope.com/marriage/

Life Wisdom from Coach Chavis

John ChavisWe moved to Bryan/College Station, Texas, home of Texas A&M University, when I was 9. Man, that place is different…its spirit is infectious. The University traditions create a sense of belonging and pride that grows as you fall in love with the school and the people. I swear it is one of the friendliest places in the world!! As a result, there was never a question of where I would go to school….

Aggieland was community, it was pride, it was honor, it was authentic, it was family, it was tradition, it was home!

So it should be no surprise that years later I love Aggie sports and no sport is greater in Texas than football! (Sorry son…I love soccer too.)

I don’t just watch the games…we celebrate the games! In true Aggie fashion, we’ve developed traditions around how we watch the football games. We plan special meals, gather with my sister, and make it an event!!

Texas A&M

I’m such an Aggie football nerd, that I even watch all the press conferences on YouTube…..I know…I may have a problem.

But every now and then, I come across life wisdom that has to be pointed out and acknowledged. That happened a few weeks ago….

For non-Aggie followers…our offense for the last few seasons has been okay (not Johnny Manziel okay but not bad). Our defense has struggled, mostly because we had a lot of young guys. So Coach Sumlin, in his brilliant wisdom, hired John Chavis to head up the Aggie defense. This season there has been a night and day difference in our defensive line!

How is this possible, is Coach Chavis really that awesome? Did these young kids just train all summer? How? What? Huh????????????

Now Coach Chavis is good and they did train hard all summer but I think I heard the secret one day during a press conference. Coach Chavis was asked how he had been able to build confidence in the team that had played so poorly last season….brilliant question because we were all wondering.

His answer was GOLD….

You put young men in situations where they can have success. You coach them and give them the tools that they need to go prepare. But when they have success they start gaining confidence. You got to be very very positive with them. If you’re not careful coaching can be a negative profession because you’re always correcting. And you got to make those corrections but you got to do it in a way where you’re not beating kids down. We expect a lot out of them. We hold them accountable and they hold each other accountable but we are not going to beat them down, we are not going to beat them down. That’s been the approach we take. We have high expectations for them but each one of those guys is somebody’s son, they’re our football players and we got to treat them that way. Have high expectations, show them how they can get it done, and they’ll go get it done for you.”

You coach them and give them the tools that they need to go prepare. Click To Tweet

So let me tell you what this counselor heard:

  • Give kids the right tools and support them.
  • Connect with them (build relationship).
  • Encourage them to have a team that supports them.
  • Set them up for success.
  • Be very positive.
  • Be very careful about how you correct, do it in a way that doesn’t destroy their spirit.
  • Have high, reasonable expectations but remember that they are human.
  • If you do this, they will go out and get it done!

Now that is a solid approach to coaching, parenting, teaching, leading, and team building.

Criticism kills relationship. If you are in a role where you have to correct (like any of the roles listed above) then how you correct is important. If you beat people up with your words, you may accomplish your initial goal of behavior change, but you have lost the relationship. Relationship is what grounds us, connects us, and makes us want to work hard for people.

Those Aggie boys are fighting hard on the field for Chavis because of his approach, because they are inspired to do well for him.

As parents, isn’t that what we want? Kids that are inspired and empowered to reach their maximum potential? Unfortunately, too often we think constant criticism, harshness, or belittling will change behavior. It wouldn’t work for me and it wouldn’t work for you. In fact, think of the last time you were treated that way? Didn’t it make you want to NOT be around that person?

Correction doesn’t have to be negative. If we focus on the relationship first and major on the positives, then we earn the right to speak correctively.

If we focus on the relationship first...then we earn the right to speak correctively. Click To Tweet

Gracious words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the body.” Proverbs 16:24

There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” Proverbs 12:18 

Watch the press conference below, the question is asked at about 2 minutes, 30 seconds in.

Permanent link to this article: https://counseling4hope.com/coach_chavis/

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